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First Grade Story. It'll get you DRUNK!

Hi I’m me and I’m going to tell you about the worst thing ever. One day I was walking home and Billy crystal bullied me. I had grape nuts for supper that night. Then, Billy Greg sued me and called me a communist head! I was really mad. I wanted to start a war. So ham sandwich. I went after them only to be killed again by a psycho Al Quada therapist with a pair of sock puppets so I told my dad and he called his mom. I was happy. That night, I died and went to heck and I cried. Then, I turned up my radio and listened to some tunes. My cat came in and I said “good kitty” then, she scratched me and gave me a heart disease. I wanted to die! Then, neo-Nazi burglars came in and stole my favorite pea gun. I went to heck again and turned on TV. But the only thing that was on was the Osborn’s! I was going to die of swearing when the king of Russia came in and massaged me. He told me that some French mass murderers were under my bed. I began to sweat in constipation when I ran to the bathroom and I saw that some Brooklyn gypsies were dancing in my crapper. So I got a stomach-ache and went down stairs and had bologna ice cream. It was contaminated with food poison and I had to call 911 so they could get George W. Bush out of my personal parking space. Then I woke up from this nightmare. But I was still in heck and the devil was giving yoga lessons. After what was forever, we had to watch the non-stop marathon of star wars episode 1 attack of the clones. I started to cry when my fairy god-Hitler came in and gave me diabetes. So I went to McDonalds and got a Big Mac, but my cash register guy was really a psycho-Amazon warrior from Venus with a really big bazooka. So I was killed and went to heck. There, I was forced to go into a spa with Nixon and Bill Clinton. So I cried and my mommy came in to give me a hug. Then I wet my pants and went to therapy so I could stop eating my finger nails for breakfast. My therapist was Martha Stuart and I saw that she was mad at me. So she killed me and I went to heck, where I was forced to watch Rocket Power and I began to cry, so I woke up from my dream. I was on Jeopardy and I was a contestant with a Canadian cannibal and a Russian waiter and I had to answer a hard question. And I was thinking so hard I died and went to heck and got my credit card stolen by some guy in his mid 30s and he had a flock-of-seagulls haircut. Then I noticed he was my dad. I hugged him and he made me sit down to talk to him. We discussed politics and the secret formula in McDonalds new French-fries. I was so bored I woke up from my dream to see I was about to be hung bugs bunny. He looked like some man in a bald cap was about to juggle some gelatin snacks in the air. Then, he turned into a smurf and threw apples at my psychic eyebrows and there fore caused a nuclear explosion and it killed every body and sent them to heck and I was too. It was too crowded that some guys had to work as a Hardees janitor. Then, I cried and I woke up from my awful dream only to find that the whole cast of the Annie Broadway Musical was giving my cat a bath. I was about to yell when an African-Cuban tied me up and threw my on the back of a Mexican motorcycle and sent me to Cuba. There, I learned to become a dictator and I ruled communist Mexico until I had to change my magic under ware and I was assassinated by a drunken narcoleptic’s step niece. So I went to heck and I was killed and I went to heck’s heck and I met the president of Greenland and he gave me a tape that said that he really wanted to receive money or else he would give me the worst thumb wrestling game in the world. I woke up and I saw that Mickey Mouse was eating all my hair and I ate him with a broom and antifreeze. Then, my really hospitalic friend came in to shoot him, but he missed and killed me so I went to heck and I got my money back because the shakes there were great. Then I was forced to watch Oceans 11 and I really was scared and I cried and hugged my teddy bear, but I was in the circus feeding the chimpanzee that was doing a Brittany Speers impression. We danced and danced until I burped and I ate a potato with Dan Quail, who was mad because I spelled potato without an “e” so I died and went to heck when I played with my talking Elmo when he took off his bathing suit and I saw it was really an English Pacifist with the word BLOOD YFOOL tattooed onto his knuckles. He killed me and I went to heaven where God told me I sucked and gave me a lemon lollipop and sent me to heck where followers of an ancient cult began to dress me in a chicken suit and called me god. then I woke up and I was In a German Spa with Andrea Yates and The Queen of England when A dancing Bear that was juggling caskets of gun powder and he dropped it and we all died and I went to heck and I was being followed by an angry mob of Yugoslavians performing the ultra secret ninja move when George Foreman come up and said “where is my friend over at his house go?” and he flew off and I was all by myself with Hillary Clinton and she shook her fist at a billboard with a picture of the Geico Monkey performing ape-like aerobics while influenced by pot roast on a hot Sunday morning. Then, I smelled a weird smell and I saw my butt was on fire and I died and went to heck and then Richard Simmon’s evil step-brother’s Gameboy went up to me and burped in my face so I went to see a new movie at the land-of0the0lakes plaza near Aunt Bob’s barbeque and I watched “zoo project in 3D-vision if you aren’t in jail” and I was watching when I went to war and was in a black pit of lemon drops when I was on my head yelling if I was going over to Paul’s house so a dead person’s dinner plate came up and started to talk to me about bratwurst insurance because my mom wasn’t one of the other people so I was said “Jelly, oh I thought…” and then a big monkey came up and licked me but it’s tongue was a chain-saw so I died and went to heck where a gambling road kill fur named Satchmo went to the place where schizophrenics go for a coffee and a chance to vacuum their head for some cigar flavored pizza when I saw Pinocchio pinch a German leprechaun and it yelled “I just was wondering if you were born or not” and it saw me and it hugged me and then it stepped on my toe and he was wearing golf shoes with a picture of an earthworm riding a crane from Idaho and my toe cut off and it cried and it made me cry so I coked on a big rock so I died and went to heck and some hippy went up and gave me a flower so it was a duck and it went “quack” and I was what it saw because I was a UFO in disguise so I got a nice bread-stick but it was really Richard Nixon so I said it and he gave me a dried up sponge and laughed ad me so I threw it at him and it grew tentacles and latched to his skull and stamped it with a post stamp with a picture of Benedict Arnold in a bikini throwing knives and the knife hit me so I died and went to heck where some corporate hotshot started giving me pancakes so I grew irritated because my hair was not listening to me because I was not him so I took a tank and shot him with a chicken breast at him so it absorbed its body fluids and it got mad so I went to a cafeteria and got a balloon but it popped and it was filled with lice so I got mugged by Arnold Schwarzenegger and he took my favorite temporary tattoo I got from a ranch in Portugal where the telephone rang and I picked it up but I wrapped it around my neck and I chocked and died and went to heck and I saw a cool haircut so I ate it but instead of blowing up I went to Jamaica and caused a volcano to form over the super-mart so I played tennis with St. Patrick and he told me a story of his local bracelet that told time and when the next eclipse was so I looked up the word Epidermis but the dictionary was actually N’Sync’s new album “my time at a nudist restaurant” so it played a CD but then it broke my eardrum so I died and went to heck and I saw a light but it was only a llama that wanted to live by a rock so it did and I laughed but then a big rocked came and exploded into a chicken tender so I took it and got a coupon from the beauty parlor but it gave me and electric shock so I died and went to heck but it was on a bike so I took off the training wheels so I went to Taco Bell so I laughed at Diana Sawyers so she took my peace and broke it so I was nervous and played Frisball and entertained a lawyer so he went up and dumped water on my head so I would cry but I froze so I died and went to heck so I went up to the devil and he made me eat his socks so I went to TV and screamed because there was a monster on TV and he was doing prank phone calls so I started on a flower garden and I grew tires, hole-punchers, boxing gloves, and daisies. I was happy but then Tom Cruise took my picture but the flash hurt so I went blind so I walked into a baseball game so I got hit in the head with a ball but the ball had 2 ears so I pinched them and I was on a rainbow and a unicorn flew on a hamburger which surprised me to go on a treasure hunt at Saudi Arabia and I found magic chap stick that kept your knee warm. so I went to the ocean to see a lobster but it had 9 legs so I was happy but then I was in space and I imploded so I died and went to heck and became engulfed in flames so I called a happy sheep and it went to my house and flipped the calendar so I saw a picture of Bill Clinton playing tee ball with Mr. Rogers and Gandhi and Gandhi won so he read a newspaper at his forbidden garden so I smiled and played with My wind up amoeba and it sucked things and ate it so I went ha-ha and I had to go to the bathroom So I went to a ghost town and It said hi and I was scared so I called my mommy and she force fed me ground up microphones and it caused me to sleep so I had to see where my pants were so I could wave them at the Queen of Alabama. but she squinted at a grape and the grape went up and took her chocolate so I took it from him so he lit my fish on fire so I caught on fire so I died and went to heck where I saw a dancing loser from Kentucky and he wanted me to pull my finger so I did and it made me want to cry over there so I did and I did and there was a one sided fight so I went and ate up the bologna sandwich named bill and he decided to give me a high five so I gave it to him and he was a turkey so I went to the laundry-mat and washed my spirit from the magical local pool put I fell in and I died and went to heck so I got a ice-cream but all they had was Madonna’s bra, so I took two and I was happy so I went to a place that was over in a dump so I lit fireworks and they looked like a fan so mean it hated me! so I challenged it to chessopoly and I was the heap-of-trash token and he was the tombstone, but a ghost came out of the tombstone and scared me so I ate it but it tasted like a bug-infested pencil so I gave it to my dog, Marshailtonail, and he ate it and he was happy, he was so happy he licked me but his drool was acid so it burned through my skin and I died and went to heck so I rented an apartment but they gave me a burlap sack so I made it perform Shakespeare but instead he transformed into a transformer and flew away in a space ship shaped like a door-to-door salesman so I ate it but it was really my slacks so it tasted like Mexican rap and it was happy. Then, a big smiley face came in my my’s face and it breathed and tried to make fun of Colin Powell, so I cried and he comforted me but he accidentally stabbed me instead so I died and went to heck but I entered the lottery and I won so it went up to me and asked if I was interested by the way mars looked like a mad rabbit that wanted to eat my finger so I said yes so I became president of Iowa and I got to lick a stamp, but the stamp was so sticky my tongue stuck and I accidentally made my tongue dance to get it off, so I died and went to heck, but a balloon filled by the FBI said I can’t tap-dance on my narwhal’s little sister anymore so I made a toe jam pie and filled it with love so I went trick-or-treating and I dressed up as a teenage-pirate from a place where lizards surfed on large platter and the people preferred lengthy explanations so I was happy and got a candy bar called “Hoover dam on the street prefers Mr.Goodwrench over Babe Ruth” so Babe Ruth cried and hit me with a bat so I died and went to heck and a vegetarian super-model gave me a cheap VCR so I would go to a farm where a skinny artist named Joe lived and he was the world renowned Drew Carrey Show collector so he said hi and gave me a look that said “I like flowers over there because a weird guy ate some wax so then I cried and I died and went to heck where a pizza named Fernandez gave me a tuna sandwich that told me that Joseph Stalin was jumping on my bean bag chair and I got scared so I decided to eat smoky the bear but he didn’t like my pants so he tore them and used them as popcorn but they weren’t buttery enough so he went on a wild rampage through the great French desert but then a car came up and flew into a cool wall that had lots of pictures of a cat licking its toaster while scratching a poor microphone so I had some porridge but it wasn’t really porridge it was a dancing pigeon so it pooped in my spoon so my spoon cried and he wanted some help so I had some bandwidth sucked out of my teeth but my teeth weren’t teeth they were a roman scholar so it ate my gums and I died and went to heck where a great big mime with a laser vision named releaser but then it shocked a lamb wool on a spool so it decided to perform incredible acts of kindness like going around giving people a hug with a buzzer but the buzzer wasn’t a buzzer it was a buzzard so it flew around and ate dead, rotting scroll bars but it wasn’t dead, it was mentally happy so the happy people went up against the size 8 roman numeral but it was no match for the incredible cool thing so I went home and watched my reflection on a fork but the fork accidentally slipped out of my hands and flew into my chest so I died and went to heck where a really awesome thing came up with an idea so I thanked him and decided I was ready to wash my first car, so I didn’t and instead I watched everyone loves my car but my TV. grew horns and it ran at me and its horn kissed me but the kiss was really mean so it used the dark powers of meanness to kill me so I died and went to heck so I asked Adam Sandler if he liked to be allergic to pancakes but then I went on an airplane with a laughing feather eating coconuts over at the Netherlands and I went on but the flight attendees gave me a gum but I could chew it because my teeth weren’t a dress and I went up and then I saw a steamed carrot playing poker so I played but I lost because I had the royal-landmine so I blew up and so I died and went to heck so I rode a buffalo across the great west Virginian glacier into a burning pit of oil and it made me feel homesick so I went to a fire station and applied for bench warmer then I listened to heavy metal and sang to “LCD MANIA” and I bobbed my head to the tunes but then a Greek hunchback came up but chopped my head off and I died and went to heck so I fed my potato fish rotting tape, his favorite, so he thanked me and turned into a lop-sided window sill and preformed an ancient art to bring my dead screen name I got for pledging for public broadcasting so I was happy and I gave it turkey food but it wasn’t happy to be turkey food so it dropped a mustard bomb and mustard spattered everywhere and everything was lackluster so I bent over to pick up a cloth but it shot a missile at me so I died and went to heck so I watched “the Brady bunch movie II: revenge of the fallen tyrant” but then the blender broke so I had to check out a slapstick on the subject of lion-taming so I read and laughed until I was ready to have a pet flake of dandruff with a side order of happy eight-tracks so I had some sprite and it tasted like a tomatoes sauce so I laughed and was intrigued because blockbuster gave out free nail-clippers for your car when I heard a matrix but it was only a rabbit grizzly bear so I died and went to heck so I sharpened in a palm tree at a barber shop so I said “hi I’m Russian” but then I decided that I die and so I died and went to heck so I had a Swiss Danish but it tasted French so I spit it onto Jimmie carter but he cried and his mouth turned into a freezer so I put my ice in it but my hand got caught in the door so I died and went to heck but some Amish pop star came up and decided to jell my hair into the shape of a water drop that had too much Alka-Seltzer and I was happy so I went to a dungeon to see if my friend was Ralph was still dead but he wasn’t and he was drinking Columbian coffee and participating in a spelling bee and his word was “bazooka” so he took it and shot me and I died and went to heck so I said hi to the minister of the sock jockey but he was really Charles Darwin in a newspaper suit and he was shouting “I am the lord of the hyper tycoons” but he’s not he was the lord of the sweaty football players and a football player came up and tacked me but I just laughed so I set off a laugh-mime so I blew up and I died and went to heck So I went to Donald Trumps birthday and I gave him a pony refrigerator with a built in translator so he put it on his head and said “I wet the zillionth xylophone” so I played the xylophone but one of the keys was an exhaust pipe so I opened it and drank 300 gallons of milk so I had calcium backup and I died and went to heck so I applied for a drivers license but they aid no because I brush my teeth with an elephants trunk so I dished out an electric snare drum but it bust open and Whoopi Goldberg came out and sang “excessive energy cannot be spent for my lard” and so I got a lighter to wave but a wasp came out and crawled up my shirt and left a pink trail then it stung me and I decided to be allergic so I broke out and died and went to heck so I called a taxi but it drove over me so I decided to play with my toenails but my brush was really an alligator and it bit my watch so I cried but then it turned into a fairy so it gave me Listerine pocked cleaners so I washed my frog in a pan but my pan had rice in it so I played my clarinet and played “simpleton from the old country has no defense from my mad skills” and I danced with Nancy Drew so she told me to shave a stop sign so I did but a hair got in my eye and infected it with Bob Dylan so I died and went to high school but then I was still in heck so I washed my doorknob but my doorknob was the blue tellytubby so it hugged me a burning sauna so I cried and watched football but all that was happening was the football breaking loose in the city and destroying my utterly dirty bathtub so I played my banjo and it evaporated so I licked its pet liver’s mongoose so I longed for a nickel to pay for my bail but it caused me serious disproportions so I awoke in a cell in Cyprus to discover on a road trip but I was in my pants that were to fight so I had to cut off my waste but they slipped the duck so I died and went to heck and paid money to go to a dance in the land of the raising sun by Uncle Dunn’s tractor rental and so I went in and a smelly fire fly displayed a chart about human anatomy so I looked at the spleen shelf but it was actually a TV show called my great aunt and her aliasing cancer so I laughed and turned off my floodlight but then a large room appeared over my face so I picked a pig but it was Jamie fox in sweats so I had some lollipops but they gave me a bad case of incurable hiccups so I died and went to heck and caused a major blackout in the state of Kermit the Frog and so I wore a lead zipper to zip my button but it displayed courage so I began to chant RA RA to the mighty rake of love but the roof of my local museum caved into a box so I shipped to Kellogg’s but they took it for granted so I sole their stallion but he had an attitude so I put on my boxers with little potato eyes on them so I popped a bubble of ham sandwich so Pac man decided to drink from my hair so I thought how to keep a high spirit during my appendectomy so it put me on jeopardy but the host was the skinniest buzz cut I ever shoved into my shirt pocket so I went to a rodeo to listen to Hercules tell the wanderers of the present day gardening center over at the haircut parlor with the dancing Bostonian accent on the roof so I took a book and threw it at myself but I missed and hit Charlie Brown so he put a price sticker on my head and called me drop dead gorgeous so I dropped dead and died and went to heck so Cameron Diaz called me fat and spit into a black hole but it sucked up my prized stake bone collection so I hummed a theme song in my bucket of SPAM that invaded my landing site so I decided to invest in a pencil but it broke so I went to the mall and the internet broke my nose so I couldn’t smell Jennifer Lopez when she released her single into the sky called “coloring book of life was a cool thing in USA” so I decided to become a military officer but I was too unable to be vice-president of the moon so I paid my sandal and it began commenting on a completely different legal system so I swallowed a giraffe but it wasn’t a giraffe it was an NBA star from Finland so he bit me and I got a bad case of Down’s syndrome over the counter so I introduced Muhammad Ali to his state from lawyer so he gave me googley eye glasses but they gave me lead poisoning so I died and went to heck so I climbed down the mountain and roasted my lightly tanned tennis machine but it blew up and said “I’m the king of the white meat!” so I played extreme sports but I almost fell in a wormhole that was covered by a ladder so I went to M.C. hammer’s dog house but the only thing there was a mouse on stilts so I took my lemon with a spiked collar to the juice bar but my drink was really 250 bouncy balls so I choked and died and went to heck but my submarine’s radio began to malfunction so I called Fig Newton to change it into a bowling alley so I played with my special bungee cord when a single techno fan came to my door to sell me my house on the staff of singing trolleys from Sandra’s house but I turned into a lemming so I ran off a cliff so I died and went to heck So I slept on a finger trap in a mudslinging festival when Molly Pitcher fell thought the sky yelling “cheese packets aren’t very fun” in morose code so I tried on some pants but they were too small so I got a big mark on my head and it was shaped like a grenade so it blew up so I died and went to heck so I went for therapy but instead I got a combo meal so I danced to the banana boat but it stepped on the peel and tripped over a VW beetle so I called customer service but the Viking in my closet blew up so I drank punch from a Canadian sewer but it punched me in the face so my nose fell off and it mugged me so then an Iraqi Statue chopped off my thorax and I died and went to heck so I went to pottery class but bugs bunny flipped my sign to say “earwax, the cause of World War One?” so I walked like a drunk hippo so it asked me whe4re my stainless steel jumper cable is so I reported it to ABC but they rather I keep my door shut so I thrust my back at the sailor but he only turned into a Cancer Stricken frog so I turned into a turkey so a farmer came and chopped off my lazy Larry so I died and went to heck so I was attacked by Rip Van Winkle but he turned into a loaf of bread so I made him my pet and walked him but then a bulldog on a unicycle came up and asked for digital cable so I laughed but I couldn’t see so I walked into a sign pointing to Wayne’s world and Perkins so I went to Perkins but on the way I went to New Jersey so I died and went to heck so I wrote a symphony and it played some radical Lando Wilkens so I had teatime with him and he gave me a chine plate so I used it to clean my teeth but it got caught in the atmosphere so I got jackpot on a machine and I remembered I was an optic so I looked up at the sun and it burned my eyes so I died and went to heck so I went home and opened my door and everyone yelled “move over Elvis, here comes Def Jam!” and it was my surprise birthday so Darth Vader gave my pyrlosec for my Broadway’s heart burn and the ruler of Mexico gave me a chocolate can of deodorant and Annie gave me a silver dollar with a picture of my weaknesses and I was happy so the king of Toyota came up and gave me braces so I attacked the Egyptian Bandwidth Slayer but he got an evil look so I ate my belt so I slipped into something more comfortable but a zombie came up and collected my recycling with Nicholas Cage and Virginia Dare so I threw a shrimp cocktail party and the government flipped a coin and I called heads but I lost so I was forced into a jumpsuit and I ate some Pork and Bob Barker made me tickle a magazine with a loser as the captain so the guy in the read meat declared war on the east side of China so a nerd in a power suit oversaw the importance of white bread so I ate it but it turned into an airplane and it kicked me so I died and went to heck so I gathered up my courage to destroy my Flonase but it was to overwhelming so I went to the Eiffel tower but a bounty hunter came up and rubbed my duck so I died and went to heck so I ordered a paperboy but it wasn’t a paperboy it was an automatic toilet so I melted into a squid that was looking in the sun so I looked into a stock market but it entered the shortage of supersonic grass so I became grossed out. I like metal. So I went into a Chinese restaurant when the president of marriage came up and began doing ambiguous exercises so my x-ray came up negative so I cried and died and went to heck so I was forced into a grocery store in Asia so I bought some knee banging good whistles under an umbrella so I fancied a belt buckle but then a carrot came up and began doing push ups so I talked behind Franklin Roosevelt’s back but some dumbbells were listening so I got in trouble so I played with an intercom but it had the flu so I died and went to heck so I did the mega-Heimlich on Liberachi but it wasn’t Liberachi it was a guy with a baby budding from his neck and had an arrow through his head and his shirt was on fire so I put a walrus under my finger nail and It accidentally became a salad so I ate it but it had toxic crayons so I pet a preoccupied porcupine so I died and went heck so I chased after the self-esteem master but the had to give me the Mexico of Oz under a lease by a hard drive offer so I became obsessed by good reasons and so I fluctuated by the sweatpants so I was a large hole but I was filled with bad music so I ate a toilet paper roll but a dragon with milk bottles shook my hand but he had a buzzer so I died and went to heck in LA so I watched Hollywood squares but David Copperfield was in the center square so I wished I was a scorpion that liked to bake under the sun but a rattlesnake made bad business so I dawned into a football game on an electron that was plank-walked by senator Dick Tracy of New Film Road by turntables R us so I smiled with a bright light for a brother and then Mona Lisa came up and I went on an Island but it sank so I died and went to heck so I did the hokey pokey with Pierce Brosnin but he was actually a q-tip from mars with fancy shoes and no shirt so I had to replace my white bone that does not prefer mosaics so I rode a lime infested Cargo to my Pancreas store but I crashed and flung my arms into the air but the ripped off so I died and went to heck but my aunt was already baking taco flavored jelly beans but I had to go to bed at 2 so I looked at my watch and I was happy so I migrated to a different part of the economy because of an essay abut 9 easy steps to pleading guilty to an overweight instruction booklet but it slashed me with a ninja sword so I died and went to heck so I functioned a heavy pool table but it was going 90 miles per hour so I bit the bullet and went into the cheering department but Starbucks was on so I drank some coffee but I spit it all over Harry Potter so he made me stuff my pockets with syrup so I cried but my assistant fired me with a bad clipart image so I spoke in a German accent but people shot me so I died and went to heck but a nun doing intelligent knitting began rambling off random facts so I volunteered to whistle a teepee but my grammar was atrocious so I suffered from a weird condition concerning the mayor so I had a foot of sour kraut but the world blew up so I began skiing but a bear in a bracelet came up and lined up my heart but it wasn’t good so I retired from Bert and Ernie’s office but was adored by a Spanish cosmonaut so I offered to play chess with the football but I was offended so I threw a rock into the air but my shoe was untied so I died and went to heck so I used some 409 to spray on my Doom bucket so I put on a banana over my panda’s cigar but I was in Cuba so I traced my ankle but the rock I threw in the air hit my head so I died and went to the tenth circle but I got pondered by a sentence of moose so I choose if my leather belt was real so I had a pencil but it wasn’t a pencil it was a grenade so I bit off the top and a genie came out but it threw a knife at me so I died and went to heck so I got a Pepsi over the moon that toasted like pickled roaches so I flew into a skull of a car horn made in Japan but Japan started a war with the counsel of stupid elements so a bob came up and ate a ruby with a pit bull so I undoubtedly denied a tranquil of Justice so I played pinball with my elbows but I lost so I died and went to heck so I hired a funny body guard but he ate vegetarian SPAM at the flee marked made for China bowls of the deep cave in Jamaica so There was an uproaring of announcements about Steven so I figured out how to shine like a flamboyant police man t hat was jelly so it fell asleep but it was a bad drummer so I brought home skipper the journal and his cell-mate, Sniffers the gerbil/gerbil so I punctuated a circular beast smoothie with a rooty tooty bubble gum after I witnessed the aftermath of the Lego n’ orange holocaust But I didn’t know which Danny DeVito the Red Hot Chili Peppers were talking about so I piped into an oil tanker but it had the ignorance chill on it so I got into a cleft chin with a tattoo of a scrape so I endured a South American concert with bells so I redirected a cloud into the mouth of a Hindu god that had played the chimes so the string-paper broke and shards flew into my eyes so I died and went to heaven so I became flattered by a Kleenex box from 6 or 7 times and my seconds rose so I thanked my neighbor but they slashed me and I got the Lou Gering disease so I did and went to the speed wagon and walked to the proof-of-purchase capital of the world but I was trapped in a cellar and an old European without a cheery mug began to do the limbo with Elmo so the trix rabbit hired a landlord to hit John Smith but Barbra Walters was banging on an Eurasian Gang but the gang was really the reflection of Rosie O’Donnell and she spit acid into my eyes so I died and went to a high-stake football game where I the Quaker machines went up against the fighting rodmen and suddenly a drunk kangaroo came up and punched my saw and spikes the camel flew into my Javelin so I died and went to heck but I was too late to carry the megaphone so I assumed my career was in a downward spiral for all the tea in china so I began to light up my groovy song bag but then a blob focused on the x-ray of Derek Jeter’s lip decided to play poker with my hose so I ergonomically backwashed my soup after hours of singing with my abacus and chewing my guitar but he hate me so I joined the WWE and had to slam into the Rotund Stem-Cell to win the margarine belt but when I was doing a head stand he came up and hit my head so I died and went to heck so I rounded up all the vowels in unquestionably cool fashion so I tore up my shoulder pads but I accidentally tore up the duet so I forgave the Dracula but he was eating cereal and milk so I spooned out all the poor luck that Magellan was having with Engelbert Humperdinck and his two son’s teeter totter but My electric cord was too short so I had to improvise the snow flurries that my poor rabbit had to withstand so I looked up at the shocked satellites but one of them was wearing a German hat that was tugging on the ocean so I began to explore perspective when a bird with a drill for a nose dive-bombed into a plate of sea-shells and startled a flowerbox that was eating Nintendo merchandise, then, a push-over with a couch body and harmonica legs became open from a-z and I was happy, but suddenly a shark with a choker ate a thermometer and it exploded and I got drenched in mercury and I died and went to heck so A salt/catsup shaker on a rubber ball demanded I look up but all I saw as a paintbrush and a Anaheim counsel member with a worm in his mouth and light bulb with a VCR on his hat so I ducked just in time because a flying factory wearing a Bull? Yes. But someone put a smoke bomb on my heart-shaped mailbox and a ghost came out demanding I trip over a beetle so I did and I fell on my face so I upgraded my defense by pick pocketing a boy band petition so I died and went to heck so I challenged myself to survive the listening contest, but I went deaf so I had to reverse the operations on my grandma so she wouldn’t wonder why Growing Pains wasn’t on channel 234 anymore but the captions of what I said were different so she thought I said I’m very timid in the hour to come but I was worried for the soul of our hamster so she got the urge to rapture on about the anonymous pantyhose but It was past the eagle jingle about the irking so I blocked a whole lot of ewes from the fivefold farm at random but my Red Bull can got Alzheimer’s and put on a FDR mask to impersonate his musical style so my chronological book order ran in a zigzag and fell off a carnivorous panther in the middle of a hurricane so I sucked up the smell choice but I got a feeling I was being thwarted with chain saws and I was so I died and went to heck and I appeared in the oval office in a Kazakhstan restroom that was filled with demonic devices that were labeled mustard soup so I tried one but I got a reaction in my throat that my cookies were finish so I checked and they were so I had one but a pigeon flew into my stepfather’s rendezvous so I singed my veins with a pale knife on hand so I picked a brochure in celebration that my worries were in the cement so I goofed up on the kite and so I died and went to heck in Santa Claus but the capital of the state forged my signature on all my jacks so I had to understand boy scouts to get my deer back but it was only 3 o’clock AM and the Dentist wasn’t excepting personal checks yet so I had to waiver in the lobby until the time but Before I could a hacker came to my Nard Drive and plucked the antichicken until its bear bellowed to remove ourselves from his Space Station of Campbell’s soup but the bill of rights said not to so I halted meat production in half by becoming hall monitor and I was happy enough to sing the refrain of my favorite song but I sung so prickly I died went to stainless steel heck by the sea only to understand a soprano sponge is sweating over weather his team will finish the kart-race of carrot standings behind the relaxing carpet seller in rag clothing but his clichés were very annoying and so my power went out and peter pan put me in his favorites section so he could locate his sandals he got on sale for the cost of an interesting cremation and the striped bogus poofed out of the ; only to run into a transpolar flight that I got when I was on the right track but I fell off the track so I died and went to heck so my hydrodynamic penguin fooled my salted pork rinds into believing the gong thrash settled in the star-struck band-aids but it actually settled in the 1070’s so I fell down and broke my force field so a Judo Master made me one with natural and artificial flavors in Dr. Seuss’s books but Gumby threw a spiked figurine at my leg but CBS boycotted the Bernstein bears lighter kid in a commercial of life and death so I died and went to heck in a heart beat of craziness unlike my endangered species with grunting powers unlike my dead shoe shovel scooping away at my stylish slang but a New Englander monk touched and smelled my epidermis until the class’s shoulder pad went into the vent to escape reality from a die hard cereal box I had learned somewhere else in the cow’s basement trapped under the ailing lemonade stand in the video game Pong but the Pong got up and declared me dead so I died and went to heck so I collected dust on a hickory shelf when the angry mob turned the alphabet into a raging river so I got a raft but I had to sit next to carrot top so my carrot’s top exploded into a million bite-size hammers that were given to my from Jimmie Carter and the man who invented the dashed line, and so I bought a brand new pair of crop circles made by the native French that scorned anything to do with animation so I animated a brand new recyclable with the spell check and a huge ring of fire turned me into a flag football tournament and all the backs were carrying Rush Limbaugh and so I turned the crank of the rope and a TV fell out so I turned it on to a sitcom called “So I Died and Went to Heck” so I died and went to California so my scrapbook laughed at something about facial stockings and electronic Greeks. Movies for the poor! movies for the poor! So then I exactly knew what your feet look like on the way to pot town so I yelled “please don't include the set of flies, for I brought my own foot!” but I got a lick from the triple decked in and out over the hill so the republican senators put up signs until I slapped the copper silly because the Latin Christmas guy was on the way to rejoicing and watching surgery until the shop phone got its own rodeo music about sly inventors who create a super cool button that could make a shadow larger then the pickpocket so the pickpocket picked my loser band aids and stuck them all over my nose so I couldn’t breathe so we all died and went to heck where Mr. Arthritis decided he wanted to be the Ovalteen man so I got bent out of shape of the weasel but ever since William Hung decided that I was not the elbow grease of the 4th dimension I learned how old my best unexpected surprise is. Then, my appendix exploded 6 weeks early so I didn't have the time or space or money or Facial underwear to even care how much cotton candy the clown of B list movies reviewed for his favorite commercial magazine Howard Dean was on but for the most part the Middle Scholars kept me up all night with their expeditions of the first Reich and fancy smanshy squid accessories so I called the cops but they said I should wake up Mr. Stupid so I cried so A tear eating Bull Frog of the future ate all my tears but he also ate my last heart so I keeled over, and I died and went to the opposite of heaven, which is heck, so the dental floss tasted as good as Calvin Klein waking up on the wrong side of the bed and sleeping next to a huge throat that was not the nicest baker on this side of town so I went to the comprehension center of Newfoundland INC. where they told me the more I use the @ in my attic the more Frequent Flier Miles I could win for a limited time of 2 nautical miles so I agreed to his half hearted challenge and bought the worlds best of dog show's but one of the dog's had the Bubonic Plague so I got it and i sneezed and I sneezed until my hand was covered in angry men dressed up as their favorite cartoon characters so they laughed and I laughed so hard I choked to death, so I died and went to heck where I met up with Maria the super-refiller and she pretended to offer me a green glasco gecko from Russia so I took it and used it as my personal spatula guide so I flipped all of the happy chocolate into the popular crowd and they were infuriated by my double-sided buggy car so Henry Houdini gave me a hoop incase A seagull passed gas into my rocker swich, and that fate would be terrible indeed until my Caller ID instruction manual was in French’s Mustard but I couldn’t speak French’s mustard so a man in a curly mustache put me in a bundle of Korean Implants and when he put me in the hospitality cave, I decided get a shake but it wasn’t a shake it was Steven Spielberg in an ice-cream cone so I laughed and he laughed and my bag of species laughed until the madmen-convention was over so we took our seats when the announcer in the plaid splitting blend spit tobacco-sauce at us so we could dip our burger king chicken it but the one they call Mr. Jim came in wearing his Hanes overalls and he told us if we gave him the worst tail on the worst donkey, then all of our wonderful trucks will recommend that we use Di-tech and that was a bad thing so I stood up and excused myself and I sat down in front of a factory filled with swimming leg-guards made from Camel Vitamins but instead of squatting over the glob ore, I went out on a kayak and when the tape of virtues was done rewinding the pig I used Microsoft Excel to see if I was in alphabetical order but I wasn’t so the doom buggy from Match Game ’78 where Bicentennial hero Reddy Kilowatt spooked us to crime by reading us the Best Book Ever: The Little Town of Richard Scary Introduces Bill Paxton to the younger years and I had to agree that he was wearing a CD of Evanescence all draped in poor men’s white blood cells so I ate the blood cells but the cell shaded cream gave me Static Shock in my heart so it stopped giving blood to my voice box so I couldn’t talk and ask for food anymore so I died and we all went to hellmy Caller ID instruction manual was in French’s Mustard but I couldn’t speak French’s mustard so a man in a curly mustache put me in a bundle of Korean Implants and when he put me in the hospitality cave, I decided get a shake but it wasn’t a shake it was Steven Spielberg in an ice-cream cone so I laughed and he laughed and my bag of species laughed until the madmen-convention was over so we took our seats when the announcer in the plaid splitting blend spit tobacco-sauce at us so we could dip our burger king chicken it but the one they call Mr. Jim came in wearing his Hanes overalls and he told us if we gave him the worst tail on the worst donkey, then all of our wonderful trucks will recommend that we use Di-tech and that was a bad thing so I stood up and excused myself and I sat down in front of a factory filled with swimming leg-guards made from Camel Vitamins but instead of squatting over the glob ore, I went out on a kayak and when the tape of virtues was done rewinding the pig I used Microsoft Excel to see if I was in alphabetical order but I wasn’t so the doom buggy from Match Game ’78 where Bicentennial hero Reddy Kilowatt spooked us to crime by reading us the Best Book Ever: The Little Town of Richard Scary Introduces Bill Paxton to the younger years and I had to agree that he was wearing a CD of Evanescence all draped in poor men’s white blood cells so I ate the blood cells but the cell shaded cream gave me Static Shock in my heart so it stopped giving blood to my voice box so I couldn’t talk and ask for food anymore so I died and went to heck so I took the black mail from the stingy co-worker but he became angry and destroyed Millennium Village and the bandwidth dragons over-charged me for my criminal popcorn chicken and I told them to lay the law so they did and the mall become open to the general of the great war so he brought a satellite dish to chuck over great distances but it crashed into a man wearing brick underpants so he took the fashionable dust mite from it’s display mate and into the Australian Bogey but the power of the Rock Tumbler determined of Mr. Operation will utter another Phony Story about dismemberment, stupid artists, and non-evolving chimpanzees. Then, it struck me I was late for school again so I kissed my hand but instead of a hand I kissed the Intel Cintrena Mobile Technology fundraisers to my lips got hairy and the hair took all my Vitamin C so I got scurvy so I died and went to heck where a grocery bagger rose to the challenge of love and put on a tank-top and spoke his 3 tongues into the shape of Greece but the small islands killed the mailman with a carpet so they were in jail but then a determined charbroil grill arranged the gears into a mathematical magic trick that can’t be on TV and it told me ‘sorry, no checks or CODs’ but all I had were CODs so I got poor and thugs took my negative money so I got rich but I was so rich I inhaled dimes so I died and went to Hecht’s but BJ club is better so I took some onion rings and buttered toast and attended the Eagles concert when a block head Political-Attack-Machine threw spurs at my broken heart so the author of “Five Year Olds and the Stupid Group within for Dummies” told me to watch more adult situations but all that was on was Gilligan’s Island so I became the Metal Beast with a scar on his low quality quilt and he stitched me for fly paper and it ruined my hair so I died and went to heck so my lawyer gave me a name change to my favorite Lutheran Mosque’s name so I picked Loretta but my lawyer died and went to hack and my drums were rocking the generation with it’s fine tunes and exotic gold fish that were skilled in hypno disks and cameo appearances so they appeared in “Peter Pan” and Bozo laughed at the Genetic make-up of Uncle Sam so I ran out of usable pokemon and whited out into a world where the rhino’s were all Computer Generated and the Disney movies were only revolutionary so-so so I asked my manager for a raise and he was actually Mr. Slate and he hated people who budded out from golf shoes so I flashed into a golf show and he killed me with Stridex and disposable thumbs and Connie Converse so I went to Belk’s but Dr. Phil was on the Zoloft diet so I ate Zoloft but my kidney stopped working so my tock waste built up into my eyes so I couldn’t see so I ran into the death wall so I died and went to heck where the red bull play every day so Mr. MAD magazine delivered my ping pong table and I became the world champion of progressive auto insurance and Unlimited Style Pokemon cards so on superbowl Sunday I rose to the occasion and recited the Magna Carta so they all said hooray so I produced the Very Brady Sequel Sequel but that didn’t work with the Puss in Boots so I said bow down to me at the book signing of the world record-athon but the blasted college party next door did doom on my skyrocket revolution but since I was on hold I called up John Stewart and asked him if I was blind folded so he stabbed me and I woke up ant the whole thing was just a dream so I got up to put my pants on but the red eyed monster in my pants was playing hockey so he ate me head first so my remaining plunger spirit enforced the clam-code 96140211898115412991X-Smyt80 and called me up on my hypnotic nonprofit charity of doom so Nerd Man saved me from the worst joke of the century so we sat down and watched a spoof of Seinfeld but when that was done I had to watch Jim Hanson’s the Animal Show on the Hallmark Channel or John Acorn the Nature Nut on PAX TV so I sang the national anthem when the elusive black jell-o called my mom and pretended to be Jimmie Neutron so my palm-pilot shot my company car, Mr. Sal, who was also a master rhymer and all around social service surprise, but once I knew that was an alliteration, KISS grabbed me by the collar and licked my funny bone in San Jose so I resigned from taste tester from someplace and focused more on the technology of tomorrow so a mole with foggy pair of glasses said “wocka wocka wocka” and I knew hem meant “watch the 13 flapjacks perform the dumb thing so I did and I got hooked on phonics until a mom with black souvenirs recommended me for the manners-mobile and I got discounts on Randy Jackson CDs only on specially marked boxes of strawberry-banana heavenesque humanoids but they didn’t fade me so I took off my mask and I was a queen ant looking for summer breezes so I laid eggs but my ant hormones made me explode so I died and went to heck longing for compassion so I set up a home entertainment system in my outhouse when my pocket protector spontaneously combusted so I pretended to die and I pretended to go to heck but since Wallace and Grommet weren’t going to free fall from the Tower of Rice, I decided to plague Wall Street balloons of rambunctious tasks to entertain your brain but the cordless phone gave out all my information to Annie Oakley and she kicked me off the friendship train and I hit my thigh and it became a 9-ball champion so I died and went to heck’s roach motel where the freeze-dried mouth got a raspy voice and, under oath, declared he was weird al so the weird al came up to Shamu and decided he was too American to eat Jacob Salad and instead Popeye e the sailor man got soaked in Tics so I rode the fragile system to Wario World, Ohio, but a tree hit my chin and it sang a song on pianos and the piano hit me so I died and went on a belly-aching adventure to heck for the better of man kind but once John Stiller declared his stance on the lone wolf the man in orange pants called Mr. Spock with block socks so I arranged a wedding of hate and lust but it back-fired into my clothing industry when safety razors were invented in 1200ad so I never got a lucky break when Jon Travolta entered my space station where I became ultimate rabbi Jr. 2.0 and I didn’t like the 2nd dimension do I killed it with my low power potato tots of science but the science was pyromania so it burned me so I died and went to heck.but the pilots alphabet was the only thing the tea cup fancied the entire weak so I buried the Swiss Family Robinson family in the never-ending supply of fruit-by-the-foot but when they were taken out of the oven, my cranium couldn’t continue reading the box car children anymore so she booked a flight to the “Where in the World is Carman Sandiego” game show and all was well until I accidentally inhaled a bowling ball the size of my shoe and I suffocated on my foot and so I died and went to heck but all was not lost so I tried on a trident in my left hand but it was too greasy so I dumped the ladle to the cold puppy smelling perfume line so I sold all my stock to a pioneer filtering gold from the Rocky and Bullwinkle show but Bullwinkle’s laboratory rose the gas prices so I poured gas all over me but I breathed all the liquid nitrogen on it so I burnt myself and I died and went to heck so my hang nail fell off and it hurt like Willie Wonka and the curb-side evening patrol at the pool with nothing but Lunchables and Conan O’ Brian to keep me informed about the silicon and its intergalactic raincoats so my lawyer gave me a wet Willie for all my exclusive interviews with corrupt government officials boycotting the French-Canadian Students-of-the-year but one student was all 1996 so my hickey turned into a time portal to the realm of the Muppets but one Muppet fell off the Kodak Moment and it hit my life switch to off so I died and went to heck and the Rose-bowl parade was incredible so I grew up to be a persistent Door-to-door suitcase chucker with limited-time credit disputes attacking Mr. Free trade after all so my shoulder blade caught some shut-eye and Kelsey Grammar finally mowed down the road so after the established sheriff-octopus captured the spirit, a crappy anime character stabbed me with their pointy nose so I died and went to heck with a mouthful of crustacean but when the crazy canuck and the brave little toaster threatened to kill the ovation channel, I knew I had to fight back with a duck the size of St. Louis but I lost my tempo so I swallowed my celebrity backwash but I whiplashed against my Internal Clorvax in my body and the third rail so I stepped into her jugular and POOF, It was all a game of Chutes and Ladders but I fell off the ladder and my head turned ito a brain eating wolverines and t hey ate my brain so I died and we all went to hell…